Fooling Mother Nurture

Tuesday, 20 November 2007 10:09

A play on words, I know, but I couldn’t resist. Hopefully, the title will make sense as we explore potential barriers to weight loss.

Not long ago, my daughter and 5 month old granddaughter came to visit my husband and me for two weeks. I was so inspired by the natural instincts my daughter had regarding nurturing her daughter. It seemed so effortless. I also realized that my daughter and I have that same kind of connection. We are always there for one another and I know that my granddaughter is now part of that special bond.

How lucky am I?? Very.

I pondered about other relationships in my life, and thought about those that weren’t nurturing whatsoever. In some cases, I am the recipient of hypercriticism from a person(s) that is in my estimation is hypercritical, one of the hardest relationships for me to be in. It’s interesting that I seem to be critical of the hypercritical, so I needed to do some fact finding about why this is so.

Also, there’s times when you can’t choose all the relationships that you have, some are in your life whether you want them or not.

A question to help me on my life’s journey: why do these relationships push my buttons and make me want to walk to the M&M bowl for comfort? It’s certainly a challenge as I struggle with proper weight management. Several of my friends that have had bariatric surgery such as a LapBand or gastric bypass tell me that foods such as chocolate is easy to consume and it’s very “nurturing”.

First step, gain some knowledge. When looking up the definitions on the web of hypercritical, critical, and nurturing, this is what I found.

Hyper-criti-cal
Adjective ( Adjectives are words that describe or modify another person or thing in the sentence—i.e., The hypercritical teacher can discourage creativity)

Too critical, overcritical, hard to please, faultfinding, sarcastic, severe, too severe in judgment

Crit-i-cal
Adjective

Fraught with danger or risk; perilous, inclined to judge severely and find fault

Nur-ture
Transitive verb (The meaning of a transitive verb is incomplete without a direct object—i.e., The mother nurtures her child, not, The mother nurtures)

Encourage somebody or something to flourish; to keep a feeling in the mind for a long time, allowing it to grow or deepen; to give tender care and protection to a young child, animal, or plant, helping it to grow and develop; the properties acquired as a consequence of the way you were treated as a child; provide with nourishment

Hmmm. Talk about an aha moment. Just reading these definitions helped me to understand what’s happening.

When in nurturing relationships, I can flourish in ways that are creative, safe and inspiring. I don’t need external “nourishment” such as food to help me think or feel better. The environment that exists is positive, and I don’t have to spend needless energy fending off negative attacks, therefore freeing up my time to do things in life that are much more meaningful. I don’t have to fool Mother Nurture with food as the nurturing is in place already.

When in the hypercritical relationships, the attack and defend positioning comes in to play. I tend to do one of the following in response to a hypercritical person and situation: defend myself, get angry and fight back, or become invisible so I don’t have to face more negative energy. The put downs of everyone and everything becomes overwhelming to the psyche. I personally do not know anyone that welcomes this relationship in their life—I certainly don’t. And it’s not healthy.

So what can I do to help myself? What can you do if you are in this relationship?

Just talking about it helps. It really helped me to write this blog as writing is a form of communication. It helps to talk with someone about it, someone that is a nurturer. At the same time, you don’t want to overwhelm your nurturer with the ongoing negativity that the hypercritical person sends out. I think they win when the negativity net expands and it affects so many people, what a power trip I suppose.

It’s also a huge negative outcome when the hypercritical net affects the people you love, like your children or spouse. If mom or dad is hurting, it rubs off in not so nice ways to those closest to mom or dad. Perhaps it’s moodiness, unhealthy behaviors or anxiety and depression.

Instead of finding food to eat to help me feel better, I vow to get up and walk a little, or stretch, maybe meditate and pray to clear the mind. I will think positive thoughts about that person, as hard as that may be. I will not (hopefully) stoop to the negative level of playing by getting angry and fighting back, thus perpetuating a viscous cycle. If at all possible, I will not include that person in my life unless ground rules are initiated about how to be respectful and mindful of me as a person.

It’s easier to say these things than to make it happen all the time. It’s a start though. I’m sure there are people that you work with, or are related to, or are friends with that don’t make you a better person, and sends you to the M&M bowl just as I related above. Part of this healing journey is to find those triggers and to deal with them in a way that is healthful and helpful.

What do you think? Let me know. In the meantime, stay true to yourself and keep life positive.

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